Today's New Mama Talk:Juggling Emotions and a Newborn

   

     Having a new baby (three weeks yesterday!) is wonderful and scary. Since having my daughter, I have noticed an upswing in hormone activity which hasn't made facing the complexity of these feelings any easier. I was a VERY even tempered pregnant woman, amazingly, and didn't have any mood swings to speak of. I am now discovering since giving birth that the slightest things can reduce me to tears. For a while it was happy tears from looking into the tiny, cherub-round face of my beautiful child. In the middle of the first week home, I burst into tears over having to breast feed (that will be a topic of discussion at a later date!) while I was sore and exhausted. I have cried over my impending return to work, which will be in mid-September, because my daughter was crying, because I had to take the dog out, because I thought back on my daughter's scary entry to the world (see my last blog post!!!) I have cried for a multitude of reasons, but the number one reason I find my self crying is from loneliness.
     My daughter's Father is a full time student, and has a lot of school obligations during the week. Nonetheless, he wakes up for every feeding with me, holds our girl so I can shower, and does every other thing a loving and dutiful Daddy does for his baby girl. He is there for me as fully and often as possible, but that is usually during bed time hours. During the day, I am home figuring out life with our tiny human on my own, and I find that every time I find he has to leave us for a class or meeting or study group, I am left feeling cheated. I miss adult companionship and having some
one answer me back intelligibly when I speak to them.
     I can remember seeing studies about Postpartum Depression flash by as I scrolled through my facebook feed and thinking "That will never be me! How scary!" But it IS ME! It could be you, also! I find that there is such a stigma behind Postpartum Depression, and it is viewed by women a bit like leprosy. Let me say, now that I know better, admitting that you have PPD does NOT make you a bad Mother! It does not mean you have failed at Motherhood or at providing for your child. If you suspect, as I did, that you are being affected by PPD speak out. Tell your doctor, your partner, a friend. Seek support. I told my partner, and he has been phenomenal about helping me find support from a professional and from himself.
     Luckily, I have never had a thought of harming my child, self or others. The awful reality is that those are thoughts some women suffering from PPD have had to face. This still does not make you a bad, inadequate, or unfit parent. It makes you human and means you need extra support. The only shame would be in not seeking help and allowing a bad situation to become a horror of a situation. I feel great about the choices I have made for my daughter so far, and one of those choices was to set aside my preconceived notions of PPD and ask for someone to recognize my sadness.
     While this blog post hasn't been the most fascinating, I felt I had to write it if only to tell other Moms, if even just one, you are not alone! I felt lonely and sad despite the pure joy I got from my daughter. Some Moms don't feel joyous or connected to their newborns, and that is treatable! Being a Mom is tough! Being happy and in awe of your child 24/7 is not going to happen, but we are taught to feel guilty if we express anything but sheer bliss of being a Mother. Sometimes, it's 3a.m. and you haven't slept yet, your child is screaming, your breasts are out of milk, you have spit up in your hair, and your partner is so sleep addled they fall asleep trying to console you. That's not glamour and bliss! Or sometimes, you're alone for hours, talking to a baby who screams and screams for no good reason and you start to feel like inviting the mailman for tea, just to hear someone else's voice! If these feelings are frequent, do not hesitate! Call your O.B, or Primary or even your child's Pediatrician and tell someone how you are feeling. You are not alone and this is more common then you might think. Get help, it is so worth it, because the flip side is sometimes, it is bed time, and you've just read your favorite children's story to your baby and they are snuggled up to you sleeping so peacefully and your heart fills up so full of love... because you got help making that connection.

   
If you suspect you have PPD and need assistance, you can start at any of the following links:
Postpartum Progress
Wings4Moms
Postpartum Health Alliance